[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
How to properly lift a body
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
How do dragons blow out candles?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”