@missmayn

Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.

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@subtleapt

My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

@Carbosly

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@BigOlBossman

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

@BlackJerms

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@LostFelicia

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.