My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.