Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m good, thanks.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.