Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Why does laundry happen to good people?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.