Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.