Trail mix? You mean M&M’s with obstacles.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.