@XplodingUnicorn

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

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@VerifiedDrunk

Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.

@therepoguy

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@dorsalstream

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

@internetluke

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

@iamburtjarvis

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

@Eatingmeals

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.