Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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Wife: How was the bathroom?
Me: The bathroom attendant doesn’t come in and help when you yell “WIPE” from the stall
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]
detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, ‘Nice one, huh?’