[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I’m having an out of money experience.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.