“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*