*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.