Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

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How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute


*bursts into room


Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten


Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.


What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?




Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?


I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”


Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.


[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa