How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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*bursts into room
Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN
Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!
*holds up single kernel of corn
*gets violently beaten
Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa