@TrapTart

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

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@lemonmartinis

How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@divyne_mess

Sure I’ll hold your baby,but you should know I dropped my phone like five times today.

@joe_binkley

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

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@CulturedRuffian

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@Darlainky

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

@ArielSElias

Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.

@rockymomax

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa