[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.