@david8hughes

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

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@SortaBad

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

@thatUPSdude

Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”omgthatspunny”;s:5:”image”;s:75:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1897104686/Finished_PUNNY_3.2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”346765466682945537″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”341″;s:5:”tweet”;s:82:”When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@Tmoney68

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

@rohoxbaby

tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead

@Shock_Monster

I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.