[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.