Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough