Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
You Might Also Like
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED