Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile