Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*