Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Omg 🤣
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The Birdles
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”