Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)
Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”
“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”
Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body