Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

You Might Also Like


Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.


God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.


Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.


Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.


Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.


ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.


I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..


“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)

Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”

“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”


Sick and tired of cooking videos assuming I have 40 perfect little bowls to put ingredients in. Grow up


No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body