Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You Might Also Like
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I didn’t come here to be called names