Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me