Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
ME: Can I get some?
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”
— Polite vampires.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.