Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
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Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT