Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct