“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what