Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

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The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.


Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.


Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal


People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine


If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.

I like puppies


“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you


I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.



DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted


[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]


If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.