Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.