Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
jesus christ confetti not now
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.