Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
they finally got him. they got macavity
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
even bears disappoint their mothers
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father