Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.