Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

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Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?


My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.


You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.


*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so


Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.


FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*


I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.


OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.