@jellybnbonanza

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

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@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

@BYGH

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

@ElizaBayne

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@hazelmotes1

“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

@crunchenhanced

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

@GrowlyGrego

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

@mommy_cusses

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments.