Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits


[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.


*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into


3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day


I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.


If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle


Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.


When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.