@jellybnbonanza

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

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@MrJamesCosgrove

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@IfIwassomething

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@deloisivete

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

@dadmann_walking

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

@Birdhumms

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

@myles_morrison

Any girl who says she’s not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.

@roxiqt

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.