Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
You Might Also Like
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.