Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Perfect
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I hate everything
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.