Don’t be a doormat, be an electric fence.

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Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?


Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…


My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family


I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”


I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent


It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.


This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.


You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.