@jordan_stratton

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

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@hell_doe

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

@jackiembouvier

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@AmericanGent69

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

@LMHPhotog

There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.

They’re not Trudeau.

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@leapeajo

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

@CatherineLMK

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain