@jordan_stratton

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

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@dorsalstream

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

@CroweJam

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

@PhilJamesson

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

@ChicksRule

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

@KattsDogma

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

@sarcasm_inc

Me: I’m hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103!

911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me?

M: maybe

911: stop

@erichwithach

My son just said we live in the northern hummusphere and now I want to live in the hummusphere.