@msevilroyslade

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

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@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@UnFitz

Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*

Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*

@shariv67

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

@CumberdickB

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

@maryjennaa

i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w

@McNevich

The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost

@dave_cactus

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
? O
? ? ? O
?? ?? o
?????o
????? o
?????o
???? ?
??? ?
???.
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??? .
????.
.

@CanadianBeave13

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ