Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.


Her: *eats entire croissant without shedding a single crumb*

Me: *touches croissant; it explodes into sandstorm of crumbs completely filling a 6-ft. radius around me*


My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.


Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off


i hate when people ask me “what did you do today?” like buddy listen I woke up at noon and then it was five pm okay I don’t kn o w


The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost


ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
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Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?


Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ