Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Twitter remains undefeated
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]