Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.