Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

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My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas!

Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.


Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview


Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.


You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.


Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.


“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table


son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult


Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good


I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.