The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
tell em, edith-anne
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right