Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: happy 18th, buddy!
Son: thanks, dad
Me: got your stuff packed?
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Daughter: Mom, there’s a man outside.
Me: Get the net!
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco