Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

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We’ve burned through Netflix so tonight we’re opening a bottle wine and watching a fork in the microwave.


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes


me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no


Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.


I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.


TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.


Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.


“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff


paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy