Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.