Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.


mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂


anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer


Me: happy 18th, buddy!

Son: thanks, dad

Me: got your stuff packed?

Son: what?

Me: what?


[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer


If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.


A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.