Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
See..?
.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free