Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
new year update: losing everything but weight
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.