If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P
she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud