@1evilidiot

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

You Might Also Like

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@zgbetty

If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

@alexlumaga

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

@kimtopher22

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@Deurb1

The term drinks like a fish is my family crest at an open bar:P

@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud