cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.
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Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“I am leg end” – a foot
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.