It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
You Might Also Like
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Body by sandwich.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.