I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
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[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.