@omibaloney

Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

@AbrasiveGhost

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@samfromks

I never touch baby carrots because I’m afraid the mother will reject them.

@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

@squirrel74wkgn

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

@Cheeseboy22

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.