@omibaloney

Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.

Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.

- @omibaloney

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@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@andlikelaura

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

@VeryLonelyLuke

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

@Chhapiness

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

@PatsATweetin

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@tiemoose

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

@TheWhaleFacts

The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can’t.

@iGreenMonk

“Hey. Can I call you back? I’m in a middle of something.”

“You said that a week ago.”

“Ya. I’m still working on it.”

@BoomBoomBetty

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.