Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Blew out my flip flop…
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”