Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.