I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
New Tinder profile.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
We avoided this particular disaster
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.