I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?