@Emonalisha

Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

@sarafcarter

People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate it when you tell someone that you’ll always be there for them and then they call you to help move

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

@MaryJustice86

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

@thedadonline

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

@RowdyBowden

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”