@Emonalisha

Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either

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@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@BraandoCommando

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

@3sunzzz

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

@ThugRaccoons

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@celticrose2312

Man at garage: “Are you claiming this off your own insurance?” Me: “Yes. I don’t think the deer I hit had any insurance.”

@chemical_scum

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.