-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
You Might Also Like
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants