Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates

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Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.


My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.


INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments


Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.


I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now


*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*


What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Duck this!


[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles