you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you
Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Is it wrong to laugh at the clerk who asked if I wanted a 2-year warranty on an electronic toy my kid will lose interest in in 2 weeks?
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
When I’m sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve’s house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.