@theyearofelan

Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates

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@hippieswordfish

you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you

@ericsshadow

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

@NewDadNotes

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

@PaperWash

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

@telizs3

Is it wrong to laugh at the clerk who asked if I wanted a 2-year warranty on an electronic toy my kid will lose interest in in 2 weeks?

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@Sarcasmo718

When I’m sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve’s house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.