@theyearofelan

Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates

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@runolgarun

Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.

@FatherWithTwins

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

@ohpegah

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

@Marcmywords2

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@copymama

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

@kelkulus

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles