Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Jail
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad