@SexNCandyCrush

Don’t be shy, send that 8th unanswered text

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@harikondabolu

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

@Nikkeya08

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

@ThatAdamKid

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

@weinerdog4life

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

@Kids_kubed

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Be back after lunch!

Boss: OK

Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*

*goes home, turns on baseball*

@MaybePileJokes

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

@Dutch_50

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

@dxblarssonENG

Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.