Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Don’t be shy, send that 8th unanswered text
You Might Also Like
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Me: Be back after lunch!
Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*
*goes home, turns on baseball*
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.