Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
every single time
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.