Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
You Might Also Like
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
In space, no one can hear…
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
accurate
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.