@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

You Might Also Like

@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@VerbsRProudest

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

@drayzze

I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.

@iinkedZombie

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

@MarkTConard

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

@LizerReal

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy

@jonnysun

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN