Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
#polloftheday
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?