Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.