@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

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@Mom_Overboard

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

@TwinSurvivalist

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

@dubstep4dads

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

@pakalupapito

“where did all ur money go?”

I’m either wearing it or i ate it

@liv_thatsme

If you can’t say anything nice, do what I do: say something that seems nice but later, they’re like, “hey, that wasn’t nice.” Buy some time.

@briancthayer

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

@SlothSlouch

My cats are building a guillotine in the basement. It doesn’t have to be for me, it could be for anyone *nervously fills their bowls with the good kind of cat food*