@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

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@PopSlapFunk

So we no longer say “please” and “thanks” in the office? Never got the memo. But I did get one saying it’s ok to key impolite people’s cars.

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@Marlebean

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

@FattMernandez

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

@ShootyDoody

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

@vineyille

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

@mishacollins

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@TeaPainUSA

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.